


All Things Left Unsaid

by Sent2TheBeast



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-13 17:40:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11190072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sent2TheBeast/pseuds/Sent2TheBeast
Summary: "And now, here he was, once again, slamming tired fists against Magnus’ front door, at three o’ clock in the morning, begging, pleading for Magnus to let him back in. For Magnus to just fucking talk to him."Set a week after the switch, Alec feels like Magnus is slipping away.





	All Things Left Unsaid

**Author's Note:**

> As always, I welcome constructive criticism, you can find me at fatal-vision.tumblr.com 
> 
> Let me know what you think!
> 
> [Also apologies for any typos that might be in there, I don't have a beta or anything and a fair portion of this was written at 2 am when I had lost all grip on reality]

If Alec thought his experiences with Valentine in the past had been bad, the aftermath of the switch paled in comparison. Alec hadn’t ever been sure that hate could live in his heart, but now he wished he were immortal so he could imagine himself stabbing Valentine– and Azazel, for that matter –through the heart and watching the life leave their eyes for all of eternity for what they had done to Magnus. 

 

Magnus, who was barely holding on. Magnus, who was barely keeping it together. Magnus, who had found himself chained up, tortured, and abused at the hand of people he had trusted. The reunion had been full of tears and whispered apologies, sharing space and washing away all evidence of the foreign body that had lived inside of him. And it sure as hell hadn’t been enough to stop the pain from wrapping its tendrils around Magnus and locking him in place. Alec had tried everything he could to help, but he had shown Magnus the monster that he was, he had shown Magnus the anger that coursed through his veins, the violence that he could do with his bare hands. And every time Alec stepped through Magnus’ door after a missed text, or ignored phone call, he could see another piece of Magnus’ soul had slipped away. 

 

It was a strange feeling for Alec, the guilt that bubbled up to the surface every time he left Magnus alone. In an apartment that no longer felt like a home, in a body that no longer felt like his. And yet, the hurt the both of them felt, how Magnus needed Alec near him, but at the same time kept pushing him away, kept opening the door for Alec to find him ten whiskey’s in and wobbling. How Magnus would beg him to stay the night, spend it crying into Alec’s shoulder until they both fell asleep, how he would wake up to the sound of Magnus’ screams, how Magnus would dream about Alec, fists wrapped around the collar of his shirt, eyes full of hatred and disbelief, and nothing else. How Alec would spend the rest of the night wide awake and leaning against Magnus’ front door, waiting for Magnus to ride out the trauma, and let him back in, because Alec had failed. Failed to comfort, failed to believe, failed to trust that the words coming out of Valentine’s mouth had not been his own. That the way Magnus had been acting, was strange and unusual, and that Magnus hadn’t been mad at him. Alec had failed to know straight away that something was horribly, terribly wrong. And Magnus had suffered the consequences of his utter stupidity. 

 

Magnus had been _tortured_ by the Clave, by Alec’s people. Magnus had been forced to share intimate details of his life, just to convince his captors that everything he was saying was true. Magnus had been trapped in the body of a man that wanted every single one of his kind dead. Of the man that had toyed with Dot, and tricked Madzie into murder, that had experimented on Joselyn and Clary, and Jace. Of the man that had ruined a million lives, and still felt justified in his cause. And it had been Alec’s fault. Because he jumped to conclusions about Izzy, because he didn’t think about how powerful Azazel could be. And now, here he was, once again, slamming tired fists against Magnus’ front door, at three o’ clock in the morning, begging, pleading for Magnus to let him back in. For Magnus to just fucking _talk_ to him. 

 

“Magnus, please,” Alec sobbed through the door “Please, just talk to me!” 

 

“Get out!” Magnus’ panicked voice replied. 

 

“Magnus, you can’t keep going like this,” Alec knocked on the door again “Baby, please,” 

 

“Go away, Alec, I can’t even look at you right now,” Magnus’ voice carried the weight of a thousand years. 

 

“Then don’t look at me,” Alec shot back “I’ll stay right here, right behind the door, I just need you to listen,” 

 

“I don’t know if I can.” Magnus’ voice was heartbroken “I just need to be alone right now,” Alec could hear footsteps beginning to retreat. 

 

“Wait! Mags!” He clawed desperately at the door. “Mags, please, please, come back,” the footsteps stopped, and Alec finally felt like he could breathe “I’m sorry,” he breathed “I’m so so sorry. For everything, for screwing up, for not getting you out of there sooner. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, for what that monster did to you, for what I did to you, but you cannot keep pretending like you're okay. No matter how hard you try, a little makeup, and some alcohol won’t fix this. Please just, just talk to me.”

 

“Why? You’re a Shadowhunter, Alec, you will never understand how horrible it was, being trapped inside the body of a man that has slaughtered my people.” 

 

“Right now, I’m not a Shadowhunter,” Alec said calmly. “Right now, I’m Alexander, your boyfriend, the man you love. And I’m worried about you. I feel like I’m watching you die, slowly, a little bit more every day, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. You need help, Magnus. And if you don’t want it from me, if you don’t trust me with it, that’s fine. But you need to talk to someone, love, to Raphael, to Dot, hell, go to a mundane psychologist. Because I can’t lose you, Magnus, and every time I leave, I’m terrified of what I’ll come back to…Mags,” Alec rested his forehead against the door “You can’t do this alone, and you don’t have to. You told me once, not to push you away when things got hard, and to come to you if things ever got bad enough to make me want to die. Baby, you _can’t_ get through this by yourself, and if you keep pushing me away, we’ll never recover. And I know-“ Alec’s voice broke, and he sucked in a shaky breath “I know I was the one that hurt you, and I know it must be hard to even look at me right now. And it’s _killing_ me Mags to…to see you so broken, and not know how to fix it.I might not know how horrible it was, what happened to you. But I know how it burns when I touch you, when I hold your hand, or I hug you, because I know that I caused you pain. And I know that we need to talk about this, no matter what happens, whether you never want to see me again, because carrying this weight around? It’ll only make you drown. Now, I’ll go, if that’s what you really want, if that’s what will help you get better. But if you feel like you might want to talk, I’m all ears, okay? And if you need some time to think, I’ll wait right here until you tell me what you want me to do. I just want you to know that I am here for you.”

 

Alec fell silent, and even with his runes, he could hear no sound from the other side of the door. Alec took a step back, trying to stave off disappointment as the seconds ticked by and the world remained still. If Alec hadn’t already been crying, he would have burst in to tears when the door creaked open slightly. Alec walked back into the apartment slowly, following Magnus to the couch, Alec stayed standing for a moment, hesitant and unsure, just as he had been the first night Magnus was back in his own body. Magnus patted the couch, and Alec took that as permission to sit, although he maintained as much distance as possible, wedging himself into the corner. 

 

“I want to forgive you,” Magnus blurted out “I’ve been running it over and over in my head, and I know that I would have reacted the same. I know that I would have had a hard time believing it happened, if I hadn’t gone through it myself. It’s just…” Tears welled up in Magnus’ eyes, and he shut them tight, wrapping his arms around himself to keep himself grounded ”Every time I close my eyes, I can feel you tying me down in that chair, I can feel the breath being knocked out of me when you slammed me against the wall, I can see you walking away while Imogen Herondale presses a knife to my throat, and it makes me feel sick,” 

 

“I know,” 

 

“And it’s…it’s so hard, because when I’m alone, it’s like I’m right back in that prison cell, and when you’re around I can breathe again. But at the same time I’m fighting the panic and the fear that’s burrowed its way into the back of my head. And I don’t know how to reconcile that. Not yet, at least.” Magnus wrung his hands “And I know that I’m overreacting, every time I’ve kicked you out in the middle of the night. But every day I think that it’s getting easier, and every night your face is the one I see the most in my dreams, and the fear comes to the surface before I can wrestle it back down. And the pain…Alec, it was unbearable, and unrelenting.” 

 

Alec bit his lip, pushing back the urge to tell Magnus how many times in the past week he’d thought about drawing that Agony rune on himself. 

 

“I had to relive my mother’s suicide, Alexander. I could feel her blood on my hands.” 

 

“Oh God,” the guilt that washed over Alec, hit him like a truck, even sitting down he thought he might fall over from the weight of it. “Magnus, I-“ 

 

“Don’t, Alec, it’s not your fault,” 

 

“I’m just…I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I wish that I could take the pain away,” 

 

“I don’t,” Magnus chuckled darkly, just as surprised as Alec at his answer “Without that pain, right now…I’d just be numb.”

 

“C-Can I hold your hand?” Alec asked, relieved when Magnus nodded, resting his palm upwards in the space between them. Alec slid closer, angling his body so he could look fully in Magnus’ eyes. He entwined their fingers, tracing his thumb along Magnus’ “Magnus, for what it’s worth, I will try my hardest every day, never to hurt you again. I am so deeply sorry for everything that you went through, and I just want you to know I’ll be here for everything you want to tell me. Everything you need to say, just say it. And I think in the morning…maybe you should go see a therapist, because some of this doesn’t seem like stuff you can work through on your own.”

 

“I’m just so _tired_ of feeling powerless,” and Alec had to fight to keep his hand from moving to brush away the tears on Magnus’ cheek. 

 

Instead, he gave Magnus’ hand a gentle squeeze “I know,” 

 

They stayed like that, sitting on the couch, hand-in hand, alternating between an ever calming silence, and Magnus letting his pain out into the open, until Magnus’ eyelids grew heavy, and he fell asleep in Alec’s lap. 


End file.
